I just can't seem to push through.
It hurts really bad still that he just doesn't care if I"m in his life or not. How can you spend 30 years with somebody, have 3 kids with them and then just write them off?? I KNOW I did a lot to cause him pain. And I accept responsibility for it even if a big part of it was because of my medicine. I just have a really hard time swallowing that the rest of the time doesn't count for anything.
He says he was never happy. I thought we were. I know we had difficulties but for the most part, we were the success story of young love. Now, we're just another statistic and I can't accept it. I see friends celebrating 20-25 years and it'll never be us. And realizing that rips me apart.
The pain is so great that sometimes the only way I can handle it is to lash out. Yes, I know that isn't helpful. But I can't help it. I just want to get rid of the pain. I can't accept him with anyone else, I just can't. And it really has nothing to do with him being with someone else. Just that he's not with me.
When I think about that possibility, I have dark thoughts. Sometimes I think about killing him or worse, killing me and the kids so he'll hurt as badly as I do. I'm trying to channel some of these dark thoughts into my writing so they won't manifest themselves into reality.
I fantasize about just disappearing. Making everyone think I'm dead. If I can't have my old life back then I need a new life. But I wouldn't begin to know how to pull that off.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Monday, July 21, 2014
Feeling down and out
I'm starting to get really frustrated with my finances and not being able to find a suitable job. What the FUCK did I got to college for and what the FUCK am I going to grad school for? What the FUCK is people's problem when it comes to hiring someone. I work hard! I get the job done. I am dependable and smart and I take ownership of my work. I'm not always the most polished, smiling person and in the mornings I'm generally 10 minutes late. But often I will also figure out a way to do something that no one else thought of. I am not afraid to speak up. I ask questions. I make suggestions. I often don't take lunch or stay late. In short, I feel that my strengths more than make up for my shortcomings. And during the interview process, we rarely discuss these things anyway.
Instead what I find or often get is the ever so common, "we have more to interview", "we are in the beginning stages of the process" or some other bullshit that lets me know one of two things: 1) we aren't interested in you or 2) we are too busy with our thumbs up our assess to seriously consider hiring anyway, we just wanted to know what's out there.
And employers ALWAYS waste my time and NEVER want to discuss money and when they finally get around to it, they generally think they can get someone with my education and experience for the same amount they would pay some 20 year old. Maybe somewhere, they can. But not me.
I'm tired of butting my head against the wall.
Onto other shit.
Yesterday, I took the girls to Spring Valley Beach. We had a good time until time to leave and then we could not find Brooke and Tori. They had gone to the slides and for whatever reason, didn't notice the droves of people leaving the park because it was closing time. Kayti and I waited. And waited. And took stuff to the car. And came back. And waited some more. It was hot. We were tired, sweaty, burned up and irritated. We decided to drive up to the slides and pick them up but apparently at the same time, they decided to come back. So we ended up missing each other. By the time we did find them, I was pissed. And I lost my shit. I screamed at her. She screamed back and the more we screamed the madder I got.
Long story short, by the time we got back to the house, my temper had subsided enough for me to be able to apologize to her but oh how I still pray for the day I stop losing my shit to begin with! Why do I do this? It breaks my heart after and I KNOW it's the reason my kids don't really love me or want to spend any time with me unless I'm spending money on them. And thinking about how I have really screwed up my kids and my life leads me to feeling even worse.
Today is the 1 year anniversary of my shameful incarceration and I am in many ways so much better than I was last year. And in many ways, not any better at all. I still live with regret. I still struggle daily with forgiving myself. I desperately want a do-over on my marriage, raising my kids, the last three years, everything and I can't get that so I get frustrated and I do not know how to deal with my frustration.
And I'm still mad about some of it and while I try to let it go, if I think about it for more than a minute I still get pissed off all over again. With Jeff, the cop, my son, my mother, Nett, EVERYBODY. It shouldn't have happened the way it did. I accept my part of the blame for what I did but I still struggle with forgiving others.
I just wish when we pray to be forgiven and to have forgiveness for others, that one time would just do it. I get really super-frustrated at having to pray over and over again and while I know God does only need one time. I still don't feel anything. I want an end to feeling the way I do most of the time. But until I die I don't think peace will ever come.
Instead what I find or often get is the ever so common, "we have more to interview", "we are in the beginning stages of the process" or some other bullshit that lets me know one of two things: 1) we aren't interested in you or 2) we are too busy with our thumbs up our assess to seriously consider hiring anyway, we just wanted to know what's out there.
And employers ALWAYS waste my time and NEVER want to discuss money and when they finally get around to it, they generally think they can get someone with my education and experience for the same amount they would pay some 20 year old. Maybe somewhere, they can. But not me.
I'm tired of butting my head against the wall.
Onto other shit.
Yesterday, I took the girls to Spring Valley Beach. We had a good time until time to leave and then we could not find Brooke and Tori. They had gone to the slides and for whatever reason, didn't notice the droves of people leaving the park because it was closing time. Kayti and I waited. And waited. And took stuff to the car. And came back. And waited some more. It was hot. We were tired, sweaty, burned up and irritated. We decided to drive up to the slides and pick them up but apparently at the same time, they decided to come back. So we ended up missing each other. By the time we did find them, I was pissed. And I lost my shit. I screamed at her. She screamed back and the more we screamed the madder I got.
Long story short, by the time we got back to the house, my temper had subsided enough for me to be able to apologize to her but oh how I still pray for the day I stop losing my shit to begin with! Why do I do this? It breaks my heart after and I KNOW it's the reason my kids don't really love me or want to spend any time with me unless I'm spending money on them. And thinking about how I have really screwed up my kids and my life leads me to feeling even worse.
Today is the 1 year anniversary of my shameful incarceration and I am in many ways so much better than I was last year. And in many ways, not any better at all. I still live with regret. I still struggle daily with forgiving myself. I desperately want a do-over on my marriage, raising my kids, the last three years, everything and I can't get that so I get frustrated and I do not know how to deal with my frustration.
And I'm still mad about some of it and while I try to let it go, if I think about it for more than a minute I still get pissed off all over again. With Jeff, the cop, my son, my mother, Nett, EVERYBODY. It shouldn't have happened the way it did. I accept my part of the blame for what I did but I still struggle with forgiving others.
I just wish when we pray to be forgiven and to have forgiveness for others, that one time would just do it. I get really super-frustrated at having to pray over and over again and while I know God does only need one time. I still don't feel anything. I want an end to feeling the way I do most of the time. But until I die I don't think peace will ever come.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Just so discouraged
Kayti was busted smoking pot a few weeks ago. After a knock-down dragout argument, she is back home and doing well. She knows that if this happens again, she will not be going to Bama. I don't even have the energy right now to type out everything that went on for those weeks. Suffice it to say, this is her last chance.
Jeff and I had been spending a lot of time together lately. We went to the beach with the kids, birthdays, cookouts, etc. I also have Amos pursuing me. But I didn't want to go further with that until I knew whether or not Jeff and I have a chance. I tried to talk to him yesterday but he was adamant that that door is closed forever. My heart broke all over again. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I can do. I'm not even sure if it's him I love or if I'm just nostalgic because he's been such a fixture in my life for so long. I get physically ill whenever I think of him with anyone else. But I'm not sure that means what it should either. I get very dark thoughts when I think of how he plays me and uses my emotions against me. He purposely told me he'd seen me on pof just so I would know that he's lurking and thinking of getting back on. He said that he knew I would give him a hard time for dating again so he needed me to know that he knew I was. Except I'm not. I only got on it for boredom. I've hidden my profile a million times. I really don't have an interest in trying to build a relationship with anyone new.
I really don't know what I will do if and when I find out he's seeing someone else. I may end up on an episode of Snapped!
Jeff and I had been spending a lot of time together lately. We went to the beach with the kids, birthdays, cookouts, etc. I also have Amos pursuing me. But I didn't want to go further with that until I knew whether or not Jeff and I have a chance. I tried to talk to him yesterday but he was adamant that that door is closed forever. My heart broke all over again. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I can do. I'm not even sure if it's him I love or if I'm just nostalgic because he's been such a fixture in my life for so long. I get physically ill whenever I think of him with anyone else. But I'm not sure that means what it should either. I get very dark thoughts when I think of how he plays me and uses my emotions against me. He purposely told me he'd seen me on pof just so I would know that he's lurking and thinking of getting back on. He said that he knew I would give him a hard time for dating again so he needed me to know that he knew I was. Except I'm not. I only got on it for boredom. I've hidden my profile a million times. I really don't have an interest in trying to build a relationship with anyone new.
I really don't know what I will do if and when I find out he's seeing someone else. I may end up on an episode of Snapped!
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