I just can't seem to push through.
It hurts really bad still that he just doesn't care if I"m in his life or not. How can you spend 30 years with somebody, have 3 kids with them and then just write them off?? I KNOW I did a lot to cause him pain. And I accept responsibility for it even if a big part of it was because of my medicine. I just have a really hard time swallowing that the rest of the time doesn't count for anything.
He says he was never happy. I thought we were. I know we had difficulties but for the most part, we were the success story of young love. Now, we're just another statistic and I can't accept it. I see friends celebrating 20-25 years and it'll never be us. And realizing that rips me apart.
The pain is so great that sometimes the only way I can handle it is to lash out. Yes, I know that isn't helpful. But I can't help it. I just want to get rid of the pain. I can't accept him with anyone else, I just can't. And it really has nothing to do with him being with someone else. Just that he's not with me.
When I think about that possibility, I have dark thoughts. Sometimes I think about killing him or worse, killing me and the kids so he'll hurt as badly as I do. I'm trying to channel some of these dark thoughts into my writing so they won't manifest themselves into reality.
I fantasize about just disappearing. Making everyone think I'm dead. If I can't have my old life back then I need a new life. But I wouldn't begin to know how to pull that off.
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